Torments Café
SERVING UP THE NATION’S TASTIEST GLOOM, DOOM & WHACK JOBS
MENU
AM Misery
A fuming bowl of angst and melancholy most appreciated before your morning jolt of caffeine.
$: Mild depression with a dash of self-loathing.
Jitter Juice
A quadruple shot of slave-trade espresso drunk while watching war and pestilence on a 75-inch TV at close range. Programming interspersed with pharmaceutical ads peddling anal leakage, heart attacks, and death. Ask about our I-V option.
May induce vomiting, rapid and incoherent speech, restless legs syndrome, hives, and heart palpitations that could lead to arrhythmia, heart attack, and, in about three percent (3%) of cases, death. In a recent, double-blind study, ninety-five percent (95%) of Jitter Juice I-V users experienced explosive diarrhea. Ask your doctor if the Jitter Juice I-V option is right for you.
$: Jangled nerves and greasy drawers. Possible death.
Cantaloupe Coup
Catch up on the latest political fantasies while enjoying a nutritious helping of locally-grown maga melon. Add a scoop of conspiracy sorbet for a blast of detached reality. Relish the delusions of wannabe patriots suffering insufferable gullibility.
$$$: Global sanity.
Busted Up & Broken Down Sandwich
Chronic back pain, creaky hips, and frozen shoulders pressed between two slices of knee replacement. Includes a pickle and a sizzling side of shingles.
$: Free if you have health insurance. Out-of-pocket costs may apply.
The Ron & Don DeMussolini
The demagogue duo has removed the letters L, G, B, T, and Q from this savory alphabet soup. Also the letters S, H, E and W, O, M, A, N. Paired with charred chunks of banned books and heaps of irrational phobia. Garnished with the nutty Comstockery of ninny zealots micro-managing nanny states. Served in a white rubber jackboot.
$$$$: A spate of fascism resulting in world war that ends with the corpses of spat-upon despots hanging upside down from the rafters of an Esso gas station.
Look it up – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benito_Mussolini
Ty Rant’s Orange Turd Pie
Mr. Rant’s tired, repugnant shtick. Easily confused with our holiday boor, Crazy Uncle’s Racist and Misogynistic Moon Pie. Each bloviating “treat” is best served smothered in… anything.
$$$: More oxygen than any body has a right to consume.
Payment Policy:
Torments Café does not accept debt ceiling shenanigans.
If you order it, and we deliver it, you shall pay for it. In full. No exceptions.
We don’t care if you think you should be cutting back on Jitter Juice or Orange Turd Pie.
Honor the deal. Pay up. We have rafters out back.
Erik Moeller has worked as a newspaper reporter, raft guide, and attorney. For a pandemic project, he completed an MA in Creative Writing at Western Colorado University. He and his wife enjoy traveling the West in their camper van.
Header image generated by Adobe Photoshop generative AI using the prompt “patriotic cafe with visible menus on the table.” Photo of Erik Moeller by Alegría Ribadeneira.
