I didn’t know I loved Kansas, with its wind skirling through the arms of windmills, its fields gravid with lavender, its subscriptions for sunflowers.
I thought I was pollen complaint and water hunger. I didn’t know I loved the hopeful ugliness of cygnets,
or that a group of vultures is called a wake, or that a skull oxbows with a signature unique as a fingerprint. I thought I loved to verb through the days, but spring
annulled that marriage, giving me to stillness. I didn’t know I would also love the discourse of chickadees
in the redbud and insects at rest on my books, their legs testing the strength of n’s and o’s before flitting off. I didn’t know I would also love the sundial’s secretarial
shadow. I’d forgotten I loved the blue of afternoon— bold, bare, the white of ecstasy at its edges, the lyric
bending me over its knees. I’d forgotten how to recite the rosary long distance, but I knew I loved Latin in the shower. I didn’t know I loved using my breath
to make a page of the mirror and draw vines of vanishing roses with my ring finger, its vena amoris plumbing
commitment from hand to heart. I didn’t know I loved wasps when I set the nest on fire. I only meant to protect my son from his rushed in and out through the door,
but I watched them pull pearled eggs from muddy tunnels, and I knew. I didn’t know I loved raccoons raiding day-old
cheeseburgers dressed with coleslaw and hot sauce from plastic trash cans. What ingenious survival, what midnight. I knew couplets loved dangling from trees. I knew rosemary
loved garnishing gin. I once loved brass bands and free boat rides, but now I love hammers for hanging pictures
and telescopes for imagining a future with mix tapes of denim and rhinestone rodeos, my face unmasked, my arm brushing a stranger’s. Even now I love the stout pulses of magicians
and the salads my son makes from the wild in our yard— the bitter dandelion greens, chickweed, henbit. I’d forgotten
I’m good at survival, too, that I’ve taught my son the uses of the earth. Each day we walk one block further, our own sympathetic magic, a ritual to ask the world to let us return.
I know I will love tomorrow’s moon as it coats its smell on mint. I’ll love the driptorch bathing last year’s grasses in fire.
I know hope is a discipline but so is the dark heat falling toward me, a citation of grief, a joy ready to welcome a late continue, to fly open the door for my son, already running.
Traci Brimhall is the author of Saudade(Copper Canyon, 2017), Our Lady of the Ruins(W.W. Norton, 2012), and Rookery(Southern Illinois University Press, 2010), as well as Come the Slumberless to the Land of Nod (forthcoming, Copper Canyon, 2020). Her poems have appeared in The New Yorker, Slate, Poetry, The Believer, The New Republic, and Best American Poetry. A 2013 NEA Fellow, she’s currently an associate professor of creative writing at Kansas State University.